So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
