if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
