My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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