Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
