I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
