Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
