mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
