Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
