I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
