i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
