I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
