Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I just want to make out with him forever
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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