dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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