this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
