so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Boobs are out for the taking
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
