Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
