so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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