remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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