So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
why do cheetos always look like penises
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
