When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Of course I have a pirate flag
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
