My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
