i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
