I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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