Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
