someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
