Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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