Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
