I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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