apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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