Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
