apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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