Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
