The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
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