the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize