I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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