Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
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