got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
