FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
