So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
