He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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