She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
