oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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