just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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