I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
