well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I don't deserve a penis
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
