my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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