My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
