I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
