My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
