My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
